I ♥YOU. Who is YOU? Someone. Anyways, time is going slow. I want school to be over asap. Just give me a little more stress, and the white words will turn into reality in colours throughout the June posts. If anything happens one day, just know that I love YOU. But for now, I'll wait for a time, when I'll close my eyes longer as I lean forward by the windows. It may just be any night.
A memory locked at 11:55 PM __________________________
You must be mistaken.
Well, I've realised that June was a relatively better month in terms of how I've taken some time to relax, mostly because half of it was holidays. Caught up with movies, and also managed to work out a bit. But still, I feel strangled. Too many things, and too much stress. I need a good break. I've been saying this for more than a month but I've never gotten it. Sigh. :/ A million problems which no one knows about. I'm too much a procrastinator. I should have taken the window ever since a month ago, today, after the performance. Performing was the last best thing that had happened to my life.
On a different note, love is shit. There isn't such a thing. The past month had me changing my mindset to be against it strongly. Sure, I'm still happy whenever I see someone getting attached, but it will never apply to me. Why believe or do something that you think is love when it never turns out good? I'd rather the one nights, tyvm. Seriously. Still young, might as well make the most of it. If there's something I learnt this year, is that my sec 3 and 4 life were the best years. Some people do not deserve to be loved. I know I don't. So do many others. And I'm choosing not to. I've learnt to be the heartbreaker, not the heartbroken. And an important thing is that the heartbreaker should never pity. Because the heartbroken will be the heartbreaker the next time round. Boy-girl relationships are bull. Don't believe in them. I don't anymore.
A memory locked at 12:02 AM __________________________
Friday, June 25, 2010
A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words. Well, I'm supposed to be sleeping, especially when I'm supposed to be up early and also since I'm sick. Well, was sick since Monday. Been waking up every morning with a bad headache, coupled with irritated nights. I don't know why but I keep waking up and stuff and get really irritated for no apparent reason. :/ And on top of all the irritation from my throat and muscle aches, the fever is making me lethargic and ugh-like. Well, something's wrong this week. ): Anyway, it's been really long since I've properly smiled at something from a message or something. I'm gonna sound like her, as what someone else claimed, but I guess life is better when you don't have anyone that you like? You just focus on your own, except that it's getting kinda boring. Itching to try to find someone to chase. But ohwells. Temptations aside. I know I can resist, when there's no temptations. Ha. Ohwells. Time to sleep. Need to get better and not so sick. ): Temperature has risen again. ): ohwells.
A memory locked at 4:59 AM __________________________
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I think I've screwed it again. I've pondered over my progress in poly. Somehow it feels like my sec 1. During that period, I felt like quitting school and just be a "loser" in the uneducated sense and just waste my life away the easy way. And now, I feel the same way. I am really not motivated to do anything for school work at all. :/ Ohwells. Anyway, the past week has been relatively alright. Saturday I got home early, Sunday went to the Zoo, yesterday out for movie and slacking around. Watched Toy Story 3. Wasn't that bad. Well, I guess I'm done blogging here. Today would be 12 days since I've "sort of" finished something, and 6 days since I was 19, when I hoped something would happen. But heck, I've moved on, like I've always did. It was never my loss anyway.
Anyways, I've been feeling shit physically since yesterday. I've been waking up the past two mornings with splitting headaches which can't be gotten rid with paracetamol. :/ And earlier today I puked. Seriously, there's something wrong with me these past two years. I've never felt tired so easily or gotten sick so easily. I'm really starting to worry for my health. :/ Ohwells.
The windows are still tempting.
A memory locked at 11:11 PM __________________________
Friday, June 18, 2010
It's gone out of hand. Wanted to blog about something else which has been in me for at least 2 nights but I'll use this space today on something which I've pondered for a little while longer, when news of New Creation Church's sermon controversy appeared headlines on Yahoo! News. It led me to really wonder what is happening in the newsrooms now. Every time a charitable organisation has a hiccup - be it really small or big - the news feeds would be blasting about them in bad light. Think Ren Ci, NKF, and Lighthouse Evangelism. CHC and NCC would be the latest two the past three weeks. In the Ren Ci and NKF saga, there was an issue with the finances, with CHC suspected for mismanagement of funds. LE and NCC has dealt with sermons which happened to cross to other races and was alledged to appear in a racist tone. For NKF and Ren Ci, the people involved had a lavish lifestyle at the expense of public funds. But so what? Were they not charged in court? Were they not punished? For LE, it came off as insensitive. But so be it. Same for NCC. But they have both issued a statement of apology. Take it, and move on. Not just that, but for NCC, the sermon was from two years ago! What's the big deal? If it takes a bystander two years to realise that a message from two years ago sounded a bit off to him/her, it doesn't prove much about that person, does it? As for CHC, it is only a suspected case and investigations are still on-going. I do not understand the purpose of repeating news over and over again for the sake of advertising and circulation revenue. You make your point, then move on to other news. You don't need a mother to teach you that. Neither do you need to find one story, publish it, then go back again and check everything below every carpet. Using one fault to dig out other faults is stupid and very childish. It just proves the stupidity and daftness of the news companies now, especially Yahoo! News. Not only are they irritating, but almost every article has a grammatical error. Haven't they heard of proofreading? It's a news feed, not a blog entry. Seriously, get a life. You all digust me.
A memory locked at 3:27 AM __________________________
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Too much feelings. I've realised that I haven't been blogging much about what I've been doing. It's more on my feelings. Ohwells. Anyway, this June I've been watching movies a lil' bit. I've watched "Killers" twice, "Karate Kid", and "Shrek Forever After" in two weeks. Anyway life has been quite okay in terms of school work, except that it is piling up again just when I thought I've cleared it. Anyway every Friday I'm getting myself to do some exercise. So last Friday night I cycled around Toa Payoh for two rounds. Saturday was church. Celebration wasn't bad. Really something new for me. Then Sunday was Sentosa for Zone Outing, then to Bugis for POS Appreciation. After that we played pool and then 5 of us stayed over at Juswin's house. Monday I went home and slept almost the entire day away, and watched movies at home at night. Then Tuesday was out for MRM survey, followed by B&J, then home and dinner with some peeps. Was really nice. Watched "Karate Kid" and it ended really late. Took a bus to Balestier and walked home. Wednesday I went out for Sakae, Shrek, and Flyer. Then movies the whole night till morning, among other stuffs. I think it passed all too fast. Sigh. I never wanted it to come this year. I was hoping that time would slow down.
A memory locked at 9:07 PM __________________________
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I had a discovery in the bathroom. I've sort of figured something which was quite obvious but it took me up to this point to realise it. Anyway before that, I've been pondering on how much more introverted I've been as I grew older. I used to be much more sociable in the past. But ohwells. I've been in deep thoughts the past few days. And while taking my bath earlier on, I figured I'm really really a night person. Probably the remedy to stop me from staying home and having suicidal thoughts. I guess that's my problem, finding people who can be there with me in the middle of the night. :/ I mean like, life seriously sucks, when you're a night person with unlimited freedom, but no one to stay out late with. Sounds really useless. Ohwell.
On a different note, I've figured that we were never meant to be good friends. No matter whoever takes the first step in a month's time when everything has settled will not matter, because somehow it will still end this way. I'd rather be allowed to walk away then to hang around and be persuaded to believe that something good will come out of it, because nothing will. Good friends aren't like this. And we all know it. I'd rather people allow me to give up. It saves both of us the trouble. But actually, doesn't seem like much of a trouble for you, since you never gave a shit about me.
A memory locked at 1:41 AM __________________________
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Why. Why did I choose to not have a BBQ this year? Money and time was just a stupid excuse. Truth to be told, I hate it that something extravagant has to end. And I'm not even talking about BBQs for my birthday. It's for any BBQs. Sigh. I think that I really need a break. I'm not ready for June. I'm not ready for life. This year's May and June has been really bad and mean to me. I'm weighing the pros and cons of giving up everyday and the pros outweigh the cons. It's really tempting. If heights were not one of my fear which fall under the cons, I would have been at peace by now. I just need you to be here to make it all better.
A memory locked at 2:18 PM __________________________
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wise men say. After yesterday, I woke up feeling totally different today. Whoa uh. Anyway I've realised that I'm too cooped up in home. That something yesterday and the something from over a week ago on Monday made me wake up with a bittersweet feeling deep down in me this morning. I guess it's hard to forget or let go of something that had lasted for so long. Ohwells.
Anyway it's been a while since I've went out on a weekday, especially since POS took up loads of my time in the past, with other free days spent doing work. Well, I miss POS. With POS, I really really had to juggle my time carefully and precisely, something which I was never good with. Now that it's gone, I have so much free time. Ohwell.
And on a different note, today is June 11. Yesterday was June 10. :/ Ohwells.
I think I've had quite good impulse control on my own life so far. If I hadn't, I would be six-feet under and wouldn't be typing this blog post. To me, I've always felt that nothing will change if I give up. A few tears here and there, and it'll all be over. No big hoo-ha or whatsoever. Sounds really simple and tempting. Honestly. Give me just a little more pressure or blows and I might just end it all for me. Earth is too unfriendly for me.
On a totally different and random thought, someone quoted this from the song before: "Do you go for the one you love, or the one who loves you?" Think hard about it like I did. The pros and cons are really confusing after awhile and just complicates things farther.
A memory locked at 11:25 PM __________________________
It must have been the way you kissed me.
Just watched "Valentine's Day" at home. Re-watching it brought back many memories and theories which I've never believed in. The strongest theory which kept being repeated was obviously how Valentine's Day is an important day. The next theory was "In a relationship, you have to learn to accept the other person despite him or her being at his or her best, lowest, nicest, or worst". Also tagged with the theory is "If one cannot accept the other person, then he or she does not deserve the other person". To me, I never believed in that theory. No one is perfect for another. There will always be flaws, and in the relationship, chances are meant to be given freely to change them, no matter how extreme the error or problem in the relationship someone has caused.
Another theory which I've only believed for a short while was one when Ashton Kutcher asked his buddy how he managed to get it so 'right' with his wife. His reply was "That's easy, I just married my best friend".
If a relationship is about accepting the person regardless of when he's nice, mean, handsome, or ugly, I'm pretty sure that there wouldn't be long lasting marriages anymore which are still filled with love even 50 years down. I'm just really exhausted over all these nonsense, and people who don't practice whatever they preach. How can both parties in a relationship be able to accept each other without a single change?
This may come as random but as no surprise, the window is really a huge temptation for me everyday. Someone ever said that "I always look so happy". I even gave that person advise on relationships. But am I really qualified to do that? Am I really qualified to accept that comment? It's all a facade. A fake front. I'm so close, that I've almost even wanted to start writing my suicide note. But is it worth it? Doesn't matter I guess. The only people crying would be relatives. No friends.
A memory locked at 3:36 AM __________________________
Monday, June 07, 2010
The huge step. Well, just read an article on Yahoo! News while having my three hour long break which can be found here. Reading it just reminded me of the wedding movies and matrimony ceremonies that I've seen since I was a kid. In the article, it quoted Terence saying that there was an "adrenaline rush to marry". I guess that I've had it as well? But apart from that, it just reminded me of how things go in a wedding, You see the guy standing at the end of the aisle, smiling nervously as his bride walks down the never ending red carpet. And after all the formality vows, would be the one simple kiss that nothing can ever erase from them. To me, changing your status from "In a relationship" to "Married" is a very big change. It's probably the biggest decision or step I'll ever have to make in my life. I'm not saying that changing your status from "Single" to "In a relationship" isn't a big step. But ohwells. I don't know why I'm so random to think of this.
On a different note, I'm contemplating on whether I should have a BBQ this holidays. :/ Ahwells.
A memory locked at 12:03 PM __________________________
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Ah. I guess TV Ministry interview wasn't so bad today. But this week every service ended real fast. :/ This coming week would be a lil' more packed, with things being rushed out before we run off for our non-existent break, since it would be filled with us doing work, especially MRM street surveying. So yeah. Wanted to blog about something else but I've forgotten what I wanted to say, as usual. Ahwells. Ta-tahs.
A memory locked at 6:40 PM __________________________
Friday, June 04, 2010
Parachute. As I've blogged in my previous post, these two weeks has been really bad. Problems with juggling time for POS and school last week, then a blow on Friday after performance, with Sunday among many others. I really need rest, and this week is interview for TV ministry on Sunday. Sigh. I'm really down, with so many things lost within these two weeks, and on the brink of ending it all again. I need a break. It's good there's no cgm for these two weeks. It gives me rest. Sigh. I might skip service tomorrow. Hopefully someone can follow me for service 3. I'm really unable to look at things properly, with failures and blows after failures and blows. I'm going out for a cycle to East Coast now. I just hope that drunkard would knock me down and end it all for me. I'll thank you a lot. But for now, I'm liking Train's album. Here's one of their songs.
A memory locked at 8:51 PM __________________________
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Somebody save me.
It has been almost a month since I've last blogged. Ohgosh. Anyway I've just edited the skin again. I need to do something better man. Ughs. Ahwells. The past one week has been really trying and tough for me. Stress from school work, church, and also from the pre-wedding video. And I guess the thing that I hate is when people don't understand me.
Anyway, the past week was really really difficult. It was a very dull weekend and I just couldn't do anything right. And of course, most of this came from POS. I just cried as I watched the winning performance by CHC KL during the last night of Asia Conference. Sigh.
Well, but there's nothing much I can do huh. And then newswriting teacher just had to give me a hard time. Pointing out one small mistake of mine, and then trying to find at least 3 more reasons to pick on me. I'm not exaggerating, she really led on from one fault of mine to another. Being pissed, I argued back and she chased me out of class. So be it then. I was already planning to skip her class this morning cause I was really sleepy. Guess I should've. Wasted my time travelling down just for 2 minutes of her nonsense. Ugh.
Are teachers always right? Definitely no. And this is what makes most award-winning teachers stand out from the rest - they apologise when they do something wrong. Some teachers really need to reflect on their thinkings. I'm not saying that I'm not at fault, but there's a limit to how much you can abuse your authority.
Ugh. The weeks are getting worse as they pass. I pray that they will be better.
A memory locked at 11:59 PM __________________________
